For a couple of months I’ve wanted to write out where I am now. More than a year after considering “Giving up God” where is my faith? Where do I stand? Do I see last year differently?

But there are some things in my present that I can’t write about here. It wouldn’t be fair. There are things that I am walking out, where I am standing beside my husband as he navigates that are not mine to speak. I’m just here to hold up his arms, and listen and pray. So I can not share where my faith and my family and my life is in the midst of it. Some things just are not ok to tell here. Some days I feel like I am telling half a story.

As I watch and listen and pray like crazy, as past and present events have taken shape and as I read and focus on the Word of God I’ve learned a few things about myself that I didn’t realize before… here it goes:

I think that one of the main reasons why the fracturing of a friendship and subsequent removal of my presence from the church was so hard was because I couldn’t control what people said about me, what they believed, what they were told. There was no countering the negative and it all felt negative. I had no place to speak my truth where I would be heard besides here in my home, with my parents and a few wise friends. There wasn’t one person in that church that I was willing to “taint” with the truth because so many times in the past anyone associated with those leaving would be treated with suspicion as if they were dirty and disloyal and turning their faces from God. It was/is a cruel way to treat people.

It literally turned into a type of divorce where half-truths were spoken and one side didn’t even voice what was really going on. And those pushing me out would make sure that my truth wasn’t even an option. They had reasons to not want that truth to be represented. These are the types of people that make sure that others only know the worst about you… and not the whole truth. They make sure that everyone has a good reason to desert you once you walk out those doors (it’s like they keep files or something) because they claim you are no longer in the will of God. They have the market on that will and can recognize a mile away when someone is NOT walking in it. They, however, are always walking in His truth. Sounds a bit cultish doesn’t it?{it’s all rubbish}

It’s a way of dealing with people that perpetuates a cycle: those who are perceived as loyal are kept close while they serve a need/purpose and anyone else is wrong. When this happens you who are loyal have no choice but to push and shove and turn your face from those leaving too. To do otherwise is considered disloyal and eventually you’d be pushed out too. Sometimes when you love people you just have to walk away. No causing division or needing to have the last word. You just go. You allow God to work through their sin.

She’s a People-Pleaser
Another reason that the fracturing hurt so deeply and pushed me so hard was that it was very easy for everyone to believe the worst in me. I was/am a people-pleaser. I have always been a people-pleaser. I have a difficult time saying, “No.” I have placed myself in situations where I will be accepted, valued and applauded. I have walked in a number of ways throughout my entire life seeking others approval more than setting healthy boundaries and speaking my truth. I’ve allowed people to rail-road my life, speak harmful words into my heart and take control of where I should be wandering or what I should be doing… instead of doing the will of God or what was best for me, my husband and our family. By taking control I mean using guilt, shame and ridicule to get me to do what they think is appropriate, expressing sarcasm, judgment and blame whenever a choice is made they don’t like. No one can force me to do something I do not want to do. However, some people have a great gift for manipulation, nagging, guilt-tripping, shaming and ridiculing a person in to doing what they want.

No More Room
As I’ve come to understand where I stand in the midst of this world, what my life means in relation to God and what He desires of me in living… there isn’t room for the approval of others anymore. I just don’t care. Something broke. And sometimes the broken things are what God desires:

The position of others on my heart and life…
My need for approval and acceptance…
My desire to be heard…
My need for affection…
My need for understanding…
My desire to live in a way that pleases people…
Those does not matter anymore.

The breaking of these things has changed how I see others and what I am willing to tolerate in my life, the role I play as a wife, mother, daughter and friend. I no longer rush to make sure that everything is ok and right because I can’t fix things. I’m not in control. I really don’t need to have a say. And it does not matter what people say, believe or understand about me. I just don’t care. I can’t make relationships right, I can’t make people see their truth and I can’t force them to respond to each other in a way that would be deemed appropriate.

“There comes a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. It is not giving up. It is realizing you don’t need certain people and the drama they bring. – Unknown (found this floating around Facebook)

So what I realized is that I did not have to give up God (shame on those who laughed)… instead I have learned to cling to God while giving up all the toxic places and faces in my life and past. That means saying No, letting go, surrendering control and learning to walk where Jesus walked. It means resting in who God says I am (that’s something I find in His Word) and casting aside the lies of what I’ve been told I am.

I think somewhere on this road I grew up… and I like being a grownup.

Intentionally,
J.