Five years… Can we just sit here in this for a moment? Wow it has been five years. This day is the anniversary of when many things came undone. You took the torch from my hands and burned the bridges behind me while I stood there weeping all those tears. What kind of God does that? That is the year I came to know and really love the one who numbers all my tears collecting them in bottles.
Sometimes life is about taking the long way around, not the easy, not the comfortable and certainly not the safe. You pruned it all back, those pieces of me that you had no desire to see grow. That pruning really hurt. It was so unbearably difficult – necessary but painful.
I have learned that attempting to seek “places of safety” may lead us very far from you. The safest place we could ever be is in your will. To be outside your will, to walk in disobedience while trying to find a comfortable place to be is NOT safe. The safe place is you. Only the shelter of your wings is safe. Any attempt to find the cozy alternative is dealing in counterfeits.
To be in your will for me – is where the rest of my life has been.
I bow low with gratitude – flat on my face. I remember the time. Five years… wow.
- For fracturing
- For abandonment
- For rejection
- For loss of place
- For that giant pit of despair
- For the loss of joy
- For the loss of hope
- For the loss of heart
- For tears of brokenness.
- For the LOSS of My life on all those terms and with all those good girl labels.
I thank you for the lost reputation – lost voice – lost visions – lost dreams.
Last place is kinda beautiful. I can see the view from here and I’m trying not to be in a hurry.
I found my resting place… my breath, my wings, my hidden place, my strong tower – all in You.
You, the One who Rescues, stepped right into that tiny bathroom. You laid on that floor with me whispering words of love and overflowing compassion. Things I did not deserve you offered anyways. That’s what you do.
You removed the shoes that others were trying to shove onto my feet and gave me shoes of my own.
I will never forget the bitterness and the pain and the homeless Sundays.
When I couldn’t get out of the bed you sent my babies to kiss my face and whisper words of acceptance and joy. It was you in flesh. When I couldn’t stop grieving at the compounding lies and losses you came in flesh praying, speaking concern, listening, accepting and loving as the people of God.
You removed the title of “pitbull – lapdog” and gave me the name “lover:… that name I’ve been hiding from all my life.
When I laid my face flat on the carpet in our living room and cried before you, begging for you to forgive and hear me and be near. I just needed you here to hold my hand and hug me – to know that I was loved. You sent her,she scare me half to death, but she came, barely awake and groggy-eyed in the middle of the night to touch my shoulder and startle my heart awake. She held me. “It’s OK mommy. I love you.”
Who sends a child? You do. My God does.
It was you who found me in that giant pit… and on the bathroom floor and here in our living room…
but you didn’t leave me where you found me.
You drew me out of the deep darkness, out of the muck and mire and set my feet on solid rock.
You answered questions before I could even ask.
You are my beloved.
All I wanted to do was sing… and you took me away to find my life and my love and how to worship and my heart and rest and a new song of praise to my king.
I was tired of religion.
I was worn out.
I was torn – this heart of mine in pieces.
And I never thought I’d get the chance to sing or speak or love again.
You gave me my voice. You taught me how to NOT fear myself.
What they labeled, “Without Hope,” You have called… treasure, lover, beloved, and friend.
With you I could never be anonymous.
I love you.
“The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words.
I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies being afresh each day. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!’
The Lord is wonderfully good to those who wait for him and seek him.
So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.
And it is good for the young to submit to the yoke of his discipline.
Let them sit alone in silence beneath the Lord’s demands.
Let them lie face down in the dust; then at last there is hope for them.”
In Jesus Name.