When You Feel Like Throwing in the Towel...

They come to this site – anonymous faces behind screens. It’s this big, wide world crashing in upon pictures and words and my life. They come seeking pictures of little girls nude and posing. (If you came here using those search words prepare to be disappointed). They come with foul motives and I recoil. Then others come looking for a way out of the pit they are in – where joy is elusive and hope is gone. They want to know how to take back a purpose that has been stolen, or a heart or joy. They want to know how to have a life beyond the church. They want to know how to apologize or forgive or parent facedown. They want to know how to read the Bible in 90 days and survive to talk about it. They come to look at photos – of the Creator God’s artwork captured by an amateur’s lens. They come to feel normal cause this woman-writer-lady is a complete mess. Mainly I hope you leave feeling like it is ok to be BRAVE. I wanna show you how to be brave. That’s my honest-to-God heart!

But the motives hit me hard last week: my own and those who come to read (or whatever: stalk, bully, steal, love, gossip, etc.)

This space gets hit from Russian porn sites – and I hide photos and delete content to protect innocence. I shuffle names and hide my children’s faces to protect our family from ugly places. But I can’t protect them from all the ugly. No matter how far away the threat nor how close I can’t possibly keep us safe from every hurt that will come. Because the HURT WILL COME.

There is this whole other side of us that I don’t write. And I get frustrated and angry because even though I don’t write the full truth of extended family drama - they do come here. That whole other side of us comes to visit here and they sit in this space and they read, but they don’t listen. And they search through the content seeking high and seeking low. I wonder how can you learn the full truth when you search with a narrow purpose?

I’ve learned that perception is everything – because we see what we want to see. We see what we believe to be true about others – that means me too. If you come to this site seeking to find a tainted truth – you will find a tainted truth. If you come to this site assuming the best – then chances are you will walk these pages with a heart that assumes good. If you come to this site looking for porn – well I think I said you are going to be disappointed.

Jesus, Hold Us Together Before We Kill Each Other
It hurts my heart how we prey on each other. Men and women preying on little kids to exploit their faces and their innocence so that a simple picture of a child licking snow off his glove becomes food for the freaks. It hurts my heart that there is distance in relationships that should be a source of love and hope and overflowing LIFE – instead there is suspicion, doubt and blame. If family and life were a big pie then everyone has the piece they’ve added to the whole fruit- filled thing. Frankly, I’m getting tired of feeling like I should be responsible for more than my share.

What I’ve learned about finger pointing is that we should learn to put our fingers down, pick up a mirror and really look at ourselves. I am the worst of these – a recovering church pitbull, woman of the small circles, a gossip, a prayerless, faithless fake and a sinner to the fullest. I have known the anger that is far from holy and the rage that no amount of counting can tame. But I also know a love that knows no bounds. I know this kind of love, “While we were yet sinners Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:6) or the ESV version which says, “For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.

That verse comes across my thoughts every time I start to take grace for granted. Every time I start to push too much pie in other people’s direction instead of owning my own I remember how many times before I have prayed for the strength to not treat His grace as meaningless.

“For when I tried to keep the law, it condemned me. So I died to the law—I stopped trying to meet all its requirements—so that I might live for God. My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I DO NOT TREAT THE GRACE OF GOD AS MEANINGLESS. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die.” (Galatians 2:19-21 EMPHASIS MINE)

If God is love and God took on flesh and dwelt among us (and He did!) then the truth is that LOVE literally CAME DOWN. And it is in the midst of wanting to throw out this old, moldy towel of a blog that I find a God who is patient enough to walk me out of the anger and remind me of where we have been together. I have hope in a past, present and future recycled for His glory – not mine. I can’t reconcile relationships… that’s God’s work. I can’t write truth or speak about life without God ever present in my life, abiding in my heart and His word right here inside me. I can’t do anything without His strength.

When I am at my weakest place God’s strength shines.