It’s been 41 months. I can’t even count them using my fingers and toes… there aren’t enough appendages to add the total. In all that time my less than 1 percent story seems to have gotten lost in the midst of His whole. She calls on a Monday and by Sunday morning I’m standing – terrified before a gathering of women and men. I’ve gotta lead us with this voice and sing something and praise Him. And I’m afraid.
My heart skips beats and I think I might never come out of the bathroom stall. I’m shaking – because my vocal cords are rusty and my well of tears runs deep, easily overflowing and my heart has barely been mended from the cuts, burns and hurt.
The truth is I thought He would never let me lead worship again… because of how things had swirled weird in my past. When they wanted to use my gifts and abilities to push people off platforms and out church doors – and I walked away. When God said, “Enough!” and they shouted, “Foul!” I laid on that bathroom floor broken, thinking: it would never be redeemed. How could He ever use the weak, rusty, broken, on the mend, terrified… you fill in the blank.
So I stood up on a little stage at the end of a great gathering of mothers who write and serve and love and and homeschool. I get to lead us in song. I get to sing before the throne. And these voices they follow right along and we praise His name and I’m literally coming undone.
Then I ask the altos to sing it out as we sing that old, old song “It is Well with My Soul”… and they hold the notes. Whoever said that hymns were dead and irrelevant doesn’t understand the workings of the Holy Spirit. And for a moment as the harmony soars I think for sure I am going to fall right off that stage.
This, my friends, is worship. A shaky, rusty voice – weak. weak. weak. And a great big God who knows what He has given and why.
The well of tears they overflow and I feel like me again.
And the whole way home I’m singing, “Let the REDEEMED of the LORD say so… I’m redeemed. I’m redeemed. Praise the Lord.”
Thank you to Precepts Ministries for sponsoring my ticket through The Homeschool Village… and giving me a chance to learn more about homeschooling and blogging and God. Check out the 2to1 conference….